Hey babes! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend! I spent mine taking care of Honey Bear, who had surgery on Friday, taking out his molars! My aunt was in the hospital all week and finally had her surgery on Thursday. Both are okay and fine now. My aunt had a close call and she was rushed to surgery. She will have long term health issues but she is alive! Today, my mom goes to her surgeon to talk about her next procedure.
You must be thinking my whole family is a health disaster right!? Well I won’t argue much honestly. We all have our little things that we are dealing with but the past couple of years have been a struggle for us all. This past week has made me really think about things, get seriously emotional & worked up. I have done a LOT of crying, ate a box of zebra cakes by myself and tried to hide as much as I could in my bed.
I got to thinking about all my loved ones and all their troubles. Which lead me to thinking other things. Which is a very bad idea when you are super emotional! I guess made me think about the F word! Yes, that is right! The F word!
FEAR!
Ever since I was little, I had this constant fear of things. Although, I never lived my life trying to be “safe”. I know that bad things happen and it happens to everybody. Growing up, I was always told I acted older than my age. I’m not a know it all but I was pretty wise for such a young girl. I knew to never tell anybody my fears for they could use it against me. It always worked & no one ever had anything to use against me. Well, I guess I will be a little open now and finally talk about my fears! Some are little, some are common sense & some are weird!
1. Grasshoppers & Yellow Jackets! I just can’t stand them. I would rather go scuba diving with sharks than be sitting in a car with a grasshopper on the back of my seat. (Which a few times there has been a grasshopper on my back seat in my car. Yes, I did freak out. You best believe I pulled over and did the “freak out dance”!)
2. September. Yes, I am afraid of a month. September brings sadness & death in my life. I don’t know why it is that way but it is. Majority of people I have known that have passed away, departed from my life in the month of September. During the month, I battle with myself so much. Esp since my grandpa died back in September 2013. I try to keep busy & to be happy. I know life goes on but when each September comes & bad only happens…you start to crumble apart.
3. Clowns & Mimes. I know that a lot of people have a fear of them but seriously it is a real fear. I was chased by a clown and taunted at Sea World by a mime when I was younger.
4. Losing loved ones. I don’t live in terror of death. It’s natural. I just fear death when it has to do with loved ones. Since I was a little girl, I actually developed “OCD”. What does OCD have to do with losing loved ones!? Perfect question. When a family member would touch something or hand me something, I wouldn’t touch where they touched. Let me remind you, I am a very spiritual person. I do believe in spirits & such. Not ghosts. I had also heard when I was little that spirits are connected to things in life. Material objects, people & places. So I thought “Grandpa handed me this book to go put up. What if something happens to him? I can’t touch where he touched it. If he passed, he was the last to touch it and that is how he will stay connected”. I know it is weird but as a little girl who was traumatized by the death of my great granny at such a young age, everything was just so different to me. I noticed how easily it would be to lose a loved one. I realized how fragile life was. I could lose everything else but losing loved ones was one thing I never wanted to face. Every now and then I still catch myself doing this “habit” without even knowing I was thinking of acting upon it.
You guys must believe I’m a weirdo now!
5. Anyone but especially doctors seeing me naked! I just have always been shy, modest & kept my body for only my eyes, as well only for my husbands eyes to see. Even with my Honey Bear, I am very shy. It’s not even about feeling “fat” or whatever. I just honestly don’t want anyone to see my naked parts. I get so much anxiety!
6. If you know me, you know I am a huge horror film addict! Blood doesn’t get to me really. I grew up watching animal emergency documentaries and my mom is a nurse. It isn’t the blood. It’s not the man in the freaky mask chasing the chick. Nope. What I fear the most are movies based upon religion of any kind. As a spiritual & somewhat religious person, I take it seriously. I just don’t want to “jinx” myself.
7. Other people driving. It’s pretty sad that I’m more afraid of a driver that is texting rather than a drunk driver! Also, you don’t just stop on a 60 mph for NO REASON! You also don’t use the shoulder to pass me. Oh and you def do NOT cut me off and not give at least a car length of room!
8. Doors that make weird noises. The first house Jake and I lived in was a county over and it was a rent house. The spare room we had that we also used as a craft room had a door that would just randomly open. It also did that chilling crackling noise. The first night we moved in, I let Jake go spend the night with a guy friend on their land to hunt. To give him a break from all the moving. I stayed behind to be with the furbabies & decorate the house. Well…I fell asleep and woke up to my door opening down the hallway. The sound made me want to call the cops. Then all the sudden BAM, BOOM, BOOM, BAM! Some pranksters set some fireworks off about 2 houses down! Gave me a heart attack! Jake couldn’t leave me home alone for a while. He even fixed the door and it still did the same thing!
9. Garbage disposal (sink)…..I don’t think I need to even explain this one.
10. Something happening to a loved one and the last thing I said/say to them being something I regret. Even when I am beyond outraged with Jake or whoever…I always say “I love you, be safe, I can’t wait to see you again”, etc. I just never want the last thing I said to be something that haunts me. I was babysitting my baby cousins and their mom, Crystal, came home for lunch. She asked if I had heard from Jake. I said “no”. All day, I was mad at Jake cause he didn’t let me know he was okay. That day was full of on and off bad storms. So Crystal informed me that she didn’t know if it was him but a report of an oilfield man in Jake’s work area had died due to lightning! My heart sunk. The last text I said was along the lines of giving him a hard time and calling him a mule’s butt. So about 3 hours later, he calls me! He didn’t know about the guy. He forgot to text me that he got off work early and went to nap! So even though I was mad, all I could say was I love you. Jake felt so bad! SO I learned my lesson. Even when I’m not mad at someone, I always make sure I tell someone I love you before we get off the phone, drive off or sleep.
Well that is it for now! It is okay to have fear. You are brave for just admitting your fear. Just because you are afraid of something, does not mean you are weak. Do you have the same fear? What are you afraid of? Email me and I might just share your fear (as long as you are okay with that).
~Love Kaleido~